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  • Writer's pictureHannah Elizabeth Kent

I had that same dream again last night

TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS, MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS, WEIGHT-RELATED LANGUAGE

The one where I feel amazing after the wedding which goes flawlessly then we sit down to look at the photos…

And there’s me

Looking the way I do

Just a plus size bride, flumping all over the place in her plus size wedding dress, chins wobbling and more rolls than a bakery.

I don’t have any chins here, I’m just a thumb. A big, sweaty, alcoholic thumb.

As I said before, the issue isn’t with being a big girl at all. I love food, I find many other bigger girls very attractive. I just have this hated of my own body.

It’s not always been like this. I’ve always had a little extra, but I looked fab in my twenties. It’s the classic cliche about how you get comfortable and you hit 30 and it’s all down hill because it’s harder to loose weight…

Between lockdown and hitting 30 I’ve really gone downhill. But we’ve been over this.

Pulling the same Dave but looking far less like a thumb in my mid twenties 😂

The fact is, I hate myself.

Even looking at the pics of me in my wedding dress aren’t making me feel better.

I love attention, I love being in the spotlight, but I’m being sick about seeing my obese self in the photos I’m meant to treasure forever.

I was bulimic as a teenager then I totally lost the ability to make myself throw up. I’m ashamed to say I try all the time but nothing. I rotted all my back teeth away and have to had a lot of dental work done in my late teens/ early twenties, but even that isn’t a deterrent.

I can’t starve myself because I’m chronically depressed, with my anxiety disorder and personality disorder, eating is my only crutch.

I’ve never been skinny, or happy really, but at least I wasn’t sad AND fat. Ugh.

What do I do?

Less than 4 months to go and no clue how I am going to deal with my weight issue.

I’ve had a lifetime of not being able to deal with my mental health or my weight, but I feel like maybe there’s a chance I can get on top of the latter?

I’m desperate.

I want to burst into tears thinking about this.

What do I do?

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